RIP My Sweet Girl.......

These are my baby girls, Squealer (left) and Pipsqueak (right).    My sweet pumpkin, Squealer (left) left me suddenly on 10/15/12. 

Squealer and Pipsqueak have been together for their entire lives.   I got them when they were only a few weeks old, I was told they are sisters.   Even if they are not from the same litter, they are truly sisters in every other way.   They are four years old and inseparable.

Both girls have had their share of medical issues, including blindness in one eye and cataracts.   My Squealer has always been the sicker of the two.   It has made me so sad and I worried about her all the time.   I did the best I could for her, always getting her the best medical care possible.

Squealer just had an $800 surgery in June, just three months ago, to remove a large stone from her bladder.   She never bounced back from that surgery.   Yes, she was better as far as her abdomen went, but she was never quite right.   I have always been very aware of what was going on with my girls, I am a very attentive momma.

In the morning on the day she died, I knew she was going to die.   I have seen it enough with my other little animals, hamsters and ferrets, to see the signs and to know it in my gut.   She didn't take her treat that morning, and she pushed me away when we did our little routine of giving each other eskimo kisses that morning.   I didn't want to believe it.   I had an appt that afternoon, so I went to the appt, hoping I was wrong.  I came home from my appt and 10 minutes later, my little girl left me.    I came home to find her lying in her cage in the corner, when I picked her up I saw that she was dragging one side of her body.   In a panic, I picked her up and wrapped her in some soft towels and held her close and kissed her repeatedly.   As I was trying to deny what was happening (I wasn't ready to lose her!) and debating if I needed to rush her to the vet, she started opening and closing her mouth and then started making clicking noises.   Panic is setting in on me, and before I knew it, she was just gone.   I was hysterical.

I called my very bestest friend and she stood on the phone with me while I sat with Squealer wrapped in a towel, and Pipsqueak beside her saying goodbye.   I was hysterical, and I am grateful for her friendship and love just letting me cry hysterically on the phone until I was ready to hang up.

I think my baby had a stroke.  I am thankful it was quick, and I am thankful she waited for me to come home so I could love her one last time and tell her goodbye.  It never gets easy losing a pet, I think you relive all the other loses,  so the more loses you have, the more painful it becomes.  It feels as if a part of your heart dies along with them.

Hysterical, I drove Squealer's little body to the vet so she could be cremated.

Pipsqueak and I are so sad, and it will take us both some time to heal.   I need her as much as she needs me, and we are doing the best we can.

It has been over 3 weeks since my baby left and dammit, I miss her so much!   I have started bawling again while writing this.  I have picked up Squealer's ashes from the vet and I have them sitting here next to me.

RIP sweet girl......momma love you always!!!!!!!

RUN LITTLE SQUIRREL.....RUN!

RUN LITTLE SQUIRREL RUN!!!!!!!!!!

So I’m sitting in the car in front of my house getting ready to leave to go to an appointment.    I see this little squirrel run across the street.   I sit there worried for him, hoping he will make it across the street before some car comes speeding down the street and runs him over.   Little did I know, he has other problems at the moment….. he is running from a cat.   This cat comes running across the street and chases the squirrel back and forth across the street.   I’m sitting there horrified……really?! Is this how I am going to start my day?!  Do I really have to witness a cat kill a squirrel right in front of me?!   Doesn’t my life already suck enough already…….do I have to have that visual in my head?! I know the cat has to eat and it’s the circle of life and all, but I don’t want to witness it.   Anyways, so I’m sitting there and I’m like, “run little squirrel……run!”   The little squirrel runs up a tree and I’m like, “good, run to safety little one!”   Then it occurs to me…….shit, cats can climb trees too can’t they?   I have to believe that the little squirrel was too fast for that cat and it got away.    I hope the squirrel had a happy ending and the cat found something else to eat.   It’s the only ending to this story that I can deal with at the moment.

ANOTHER LOSS AT THE BARN..........

One week after the loss of our Buddha, we lost our beloved Josh.   He was 14 years old and his life expectancy was 8 years.  He and his mom were two of the original animals at the barn.  He had a long and wonderful life but we are all still so sad.   RIP sweet boy, we will miss that beautiful smile and your huge warm heart!

IN LOVING MEMORY OF BUDDHA.......RIP SWEET GIRL

RELIGION, SPIRITUALITY, PSYCHICS AND THE CATHOLIC SCHOOL GIRL

A lot of things have been happening in my life for quite some time now and I am seeking ways of coping and changing, which has led me to this big question of what do I believe in? And I’m not talking about believing in myself, that is something I am working on and is a whole other subject.   I am talking about spiritually, what do I believe in? 

I want to start off by saying that I never get in religious battles and would never judge someone else’s culture or beliefs.

The world is not black and white.   People can do bad things but that does not necessarily mean they are a bad person.   The world is so quick to judge and religion is very guilty of this.

I was brought up Catholic and went to Catholic school and was TOLD to believe in God, Heaven and Hell, Angels, and that all powerful Devil.  I can say with all honesty that I absolutely believe in the Devil and Hell, and I can’t give up believing in God, Angels, and Heaven, but without actual proof it makes me wonder.   No one really knows and I hate that.   I don’t want to take someone else’s word for it. I need some sign that what I have been brought up to believe is true.  I have not been a churchgoer, religious, or spiritual for very many years, but I do pray and would like to know that I am sending my energy in the right direction.   All these support groups tell you to hand over your life and have faith in your “HIGHER POWER”, but who’s to say who that is.  It could be God, but it could also be Buddha, Allah, spirits, or witch pagan beliefs……whatever floats your boat….honestly, I don’t judge.

The whole subject of religion is so baffling…… Some people don’t believe in anything.  Some people think there is no God and we just go into nothingness for eternity.   Some people believe in reincarnation. There are so many different beliefs out there, but no one knows for certain.   I am not a person who likes surprises……I want to know!

Then I have recently encountered and am still dealing with a “psychic” in a situation that is dear to my heart.    I want to believe I am open-minded and I want to believe in people who can speak to the dead, or spirits, but this particular “psychic” is blatantly full of shit…..a big fake!   And the thing is is that she has EVERYONE around her fooled.   It is so upsetting to me.   Has the whole world gone insane and I’m the only sane person left (that is a truly frightening thought!)

It makes me very sad that this is all so conflicting for me.   I have discovered that being surrounded by bullshit and liars all my life has made me untrusting of pretty much everyone and everything.   I need to believe in something, but I also need proof.   I need to see it, feel it, or experience whatever it is for myself in order to believe it.   I don’t want to go through life not believing in anything, I need to believe in something.  I want to learn to trust in someone or something.

Has any of this made sense?   I tried to stay on the subject and not ramble, but putting into words how I feel is very hard.  I do feel a little better for expressing it……yet, I still have no answers.    SIGH……..life would be so much simpler if we could all just be vampires…….

TORTURE AND DINNER.........

Always dread going to the dentist.    This time I resigned myself to it, tried to have no feelings about it whatsoever in order to not stress myself out.   Brought a book I’m really into to read for distraction.    Sit down in the chair and get concerned when the tech asks me which tooth it is……seriously?!.....you don’t know?!   I make sure he is sure of which tooth we are talking about before we get started.   First they numb my mouth and give me shots so I don’t feel anything.   This in itself is awful.   The stuff they use to numb your mouth tastes funny & the shots still hurt like a motherfucker no matter how much numbing shit they put on your gums.   Then I get to sit there and wait…..wait for the numbness to take over so the torture can begin………

Now the torture begins.   Let me tell you what my dentist visit is about today.   I have  perfectly good crown on a tooth that already had a root canal in the past, but the seal is broken which means food is getting in there.   It will eventually cause me pain and suffering, and since I had insurance for a whole month (wow, am I a lucky girl!) and they decided to FINALLY approve my getting a new crown I am getting the crown removed and a new one will be placed on it.   I’m kind of upset since I currently have no pain, and now I am going to have pain!

Since the crown is in good condition except for the seal, the damn thing does not want to come off.   Did I mention that it is all the way in the back on the bottom (nice!)?!   And did I mention that I have TMJ so it really pains me to open my mouth really wide (nice again!)?!

So now the torture has really begun.   The master of torture gets out his evil tools, my favorites being the hammer (not kidding!) and the SAW (yes, a fucking saw!)   Took over an hour to get the bastard off….my jaw is throbbing and popping and I’m afraid it might get stuck.

Had all kinds of panic take over……started to sweat then started getting the chills……..

We got it done……2 and ½ hours later!, I’m ready to finally leave.   My jaw has been throbbing for quite some time already and I dread when the shot wears off because the real pain is going to start. 

And I don't understand how I can be hungry after all this…..but hungry I am.

So I decide to treat myself to a nice dinner.   I go to the Elephant Bar and have my new favorite dish there.   First of all it is extremely pitiful to be in a place like that eating by yourself.    Thankfully, the waiter put me in a booth in the back.   It was nice for all of 10 minutes.   Then this older couple came in and sat in the booth next to me…..still okay…..until their awful grandson comes in to meet them.   He is an actor (geez, really?!), or at least a want to be actor.  He goes on and on talking about the stage and performing and NY and all this other crap that no one wants to hear about (least of all me!) and he just goes on and on talking.  Then he starts talking about his motorcycle and this stupid thing he did at the DMV and how he has learned from his mistake.   Then he goes on to say how “when he was young”… (you are YOUNG you obnoxious little shit!)  Seriously……I couldn’t take much more.   He just kept talking and talking and talking, even after his food came.   I thought I would get a small reprieve because he needed to take time to chew!    The worst thing is that I cannot tune stuff out.   I have this super radar and I can hear everything that goes on in the tables around me…..it is a curse!

It was not a pleasant experience listening to this obnoxious young want to be actor go on and on talking about himself, and having to chew on one side of my mouth, and having the pain setting in.   But I managed to eat, popped some Advil, and got out of there without killing anyone!

Hope you had a better day than I did……..

MY FRIEND YODA IS GONE......SNIFF! RIP.......

CAME HOME TO FIND THIS HORRIBLE NEWS........LOST ANOTHER DEAR FRIEND AT THE GENTLE BARN......I'M IN SHOCK!   THE BARN IS NOT GOING TO BE THE SAME WITHOUT YODA.    WE LOVE YOU YODA......YOU ARE NOW AT THE RAINBOW BRIDGE WITH OUR OTHER GENTLE BARN FRIENDS, BILLY, TINKER BELL, AND BENJAMIN......RIP DEAR FRIEND.     HERE IS YODA'S STORY IN ELLIE'S WORDS.........

In 2008 we were part of a rescue with more than 400 animals from a hoarder. One of them was an emu we called Yoda. When we first rescued him he was wild eyed and scared. We spent months showing him he was protected and loved and took very good care of him. He finally realized he was safe with us and started allowing us to pet him. Throughout the first year we bonded with Yoda and he would put his head on our shoulder and we would wrap our arms around his neck and snuggle him and he would snuggle us. He looked so intimidating and powerful to newcomers, but he was always gentle, sweet and kind!
Yoda was amazing; he had a game he played with our peacock, Jewel. The first time I saw them play I thought that they were fighting. I was working at my desk in my office that overlooks the barnyard, so I can see all the animals while I work and I saw Yoda chasing Jewel around the barnyard and thought that it didn’t seem right. I got up from my desk and was about to run out to stop them when they stopped, turned around and then Jewel started chasing Yoda. It was like they were taking turns playing chase! They remained playmates for the rest of Yoda’s time here.
Yoda liked men more than women. When our animal caretaker came to work everyday, Yoda would see his car and come running to the gate to wait for him. Yoda would follow him around and be by his side as he did his clean up and feeding of the other animals. Yoda didn’t pay much attention to women other than cuddling, but when I came into the barnyard with my hair up he was all of a sudden very impressed! Yoda would run over to me and look at me like, “hay, whatcha doin?” He would follow me around and then sit down on his elbows and creep up to me and posture like he was about to mate with me. I would explain to me that I was flattered, but married and walk away. He ultimately would grab the rubber band and pull it out of my hair, exposing that I was indeed a woman and then he would lose all interest, as he threw the rubber band at my feet.
Yoda was an amazing ambassador with the at risk kids we work with. The children were always intimidated by him initially, because he looked so reptilian and imposing, but after seeing how he loved to cuddle and hearing my explanation of how he is so gentle they would gather around and pet him and stroke his fluffy head and watch him fall asleep. It would always lead to a discussion about how it feels to be judged and how unfair it is to judge someone else. Yoda was clearly different than what he looked like and so are most of the kids we work with.
On Thursday morning, June 28 we woke up to Yoda coughing up blood from his mouth. We called our mobile vet immediately and were told that she was not working that day. Then we called our bird expert and were told that he was out of town for the day. We kept calling as many hospitals as we could think of and were told over and over again that they did not work on emus, or that they were closed for the day. Finally we got a hold of one of the pet hospital we worked with in the past, that works on birds and were told that they were off for the day, but that the doctor came into the hospital just for a moment to check on some animals. She agreed to wait for us and to treat Yoda. We carried Yoda into the horse trailer after explaining to him what was going on and where we were taking him. We cooled him off so he would be more comfortable for the ride and were on our way.
We arrived at the hospital and got him into an observation room right away. As the office staff brought in an estimate, we gave them permission to do whatever they deem necessary to save our Yoda and explained to them that we never make decisions for our animals based on money, only for their highest good. The doctor gave him a shot to sedate him and drew blood to send to the lab. Then they started a series of tests and x-rays to determine why he was bleeding internally. After the tests were done, there was still no clue what had caused the internal bleeding, the x-rays didn’t show any foreign object lodged inside or any holes, etc.
Meanwhile we kept calling different bird vets to see if any of them might have had any additional suggestions or experience with Emu’s. We kept getting the same answer; there was nothing more we could do. We did get one vet that said that he could use a scope to look inside but not until the next day. We would have to wake Yoda up, keep him at the vets overnight, and transport him to another hospital the next morning to sedate him again for a scope exam and perhaps exploratory surgery. The bleeding wouldn’t stop though, and the doctors said that there was no way he was going to make it through the night, so they suggested that the kindest thing to do was to let him go. They urged us not to put him through more steps, that if he was to be woken up, that he could suffer a very horrible death. As I sat in the hallway and cried huge sobs of grief they let Yoda go. Yoda left in about five seconds flat; there was no hesitation on his part. It was almost impossible to get my body, heavy with grief off the ground to get to the car to drive home. There was a hole in my heart that could not be mended.
Arriving home was hard because I didn’t want to see the barnyard without him, I didn’t want a Gentle Barn without Yoda. I wanted to look inside the white fence and see Yoda’s funny ballerina walk and see him run, his neck and head going one direction and his fluffy body going another. I wanted to kiss his fluffy head and hold his neck up while he fell asleep in my hands. I wanted to whisper in his ear how much I love him. I want to tell visitors on Sundays how he is a distant relative to the dinosaur and he has dinosaur feet and have the visitors gasp in excitement to meet him! How can I host a group of at risk kids without him? I will forever expect him to be standing behind me to grab my hair band and let my hair loose, exposing me for being a woman.
Yoda was not just an amazing bird, not just an ambassador, not just a teacher, not just our partner healing at risk kids, but Yoda was our friend! Jay and I are heavy with grief, devastated and inconsolable. We are trying to find our way to the gratitude of having met him and the miracle of knowing him and loving him, but it will take time, because for now we just feel a big gaping hole in our barnyard and in our hearts.