Friday, July 12, 2013


On 3/8/13 I had to say goodbye to my baby girl, Pippy.    In the last few months since the loss of her sister, we have bonded so much and were best buds.    Pippy has always loved me but didn’t really need me because she had her sister, but we have both been so lonely and lost without Squealer that it brought us closer.

I could have kept her with me longer, but that would have been selfish.    She had labored breathing, didn’t eat very well anymore, and when I took her to the vet they suspected she had a huge (probably cancerous) growth in her stomach.    I didn’t want to put her through a lot of tests that were going to tell me it was a cancerous tumor because I had already decided that due to her age I would not put her through anymore surgeries.    I could have kept her comfortable on medications and bought myself more time, but she was missing her sister so much and to keep her alive would have been just for me and it had to be all about her.

It was awful.   I was there all alone.  I held her, told her I loved her, told her that she was a pretty girl and such a good girl.  I told her that her sister missed her and that she would be seeing her really soon.   I told her not to be scared, her sister would be there waiting for her at The Rainbow Bridge, and I assured her that although I am extremely hysterical right now that I would be okay.    I told her I would miss her and love her FOREVER, but I needed to let her go be with her sister.    I then hugged her tight and kissed her sweet little face and I let the tech take her away. 

I couldn’t go with her and be with her when she took her last breath because guinea pigs are so small and it can be complicated they had to take her in the back room to euthanize her.   So I sat there knowing that she was leaving me and that the next time I saw her ----- she would be gone.

They brought her back to me all wrapped up in a towel.   She was my beautiful sweet girl with lifeless eyes.   She was still warm.   I held her for what seemed like forever and honestly I did not want to let her go.   I knew the next time I would see her she would just be ashes………it killed me.

I know I did the right thing, but it was so hard.   I find comfort in thinking of Pipsqueak and Squealer up at The Rainbow Bridge, chasing each other, flinging hay and chatting up a storm (they had a lot to catch up on).

Then I had to drive myself home, and that night it was pouring rain out to add to my misery.    I honestly don’t know how I made it home.   I was hysterical and every time I pulled myself together the crying would start all over again.   I am crying now while I am writing this and this happened 5 months ago.

Pipsqueak was my last baby.   I do not have any little furry critters to come home to, to take care of, to love.   I miss talking to her.   I talked to her all the time.   I have a huge hole in my heart and I feel so lost and empty without her.    I cannot get another pet right now, but when my circumstances change, I will have another furry friend to love.    I will never forget any of my babies and there is no replacing any of them ever, but there are so many other babies out there who needs me…….who need love…….and as soon as I can, I plan on rescuing one……


Thursday, November 8, 2012

RIP My Sweet Girl.......

These are my baby girls, Squealer (left) and Pipsqueak (right).    My sweet pumpkin, Squealer (left) left me suddenly on 10/15/12. 

Squealer and Pipsqueak have been together for their entire lives.   I got them when they were only a few weeks old, I was told they are sisters.   Even if they are not from the same litter, they are truly sisters in every other way.   They are four years old and inseparable.

Both girls have had their share of medical issues, including blindness in one eye and cataracts.   My Squealer has always been the sicker of the two.   It has made me so sad and I worried about her all the time.   I did the best I could for her, always getting her the best medical care possible.

Squealer just had an $800 surgery in June, just three months ago, to remove a large stone from her bladder.   She never bounced back from that surgery.   Yes, she was better as far as her abdomen went, but she was never quite right.   I have always been very aware of what was going on with my girls, I am a very attentive momma.

In the morning on the day she died, I knew she was going to die.   I have seen it enough with my other little animals, hamsters and ferrets, to see the signs and to know it in my gut.   She didn't take her treat that morning, and she pushed me away when we did our little routine of giving each other eskimo kisses that morning.   I didn't want to believe it.   I had an appt that afternoon, so I went to the appt, hoping I was wrong.  I came home from my appt and 10 minutes later, my little girl left me.    I came home to find her lying in her cage in the corner, when I picked her up I saw that she was dragging one side of her body.   In a panic, I picked her up and wrapped her in some soft towels and held her close and kissed her repeatedly.   As I was trying to deny what was happening (I wasn't ready to lose her!) and debating if I needed to rush her to the vet, she started opening and closing her mouth and then started making clicking noises.   Panic is setting in on me, and before I knew it, she was just gone.   I was hysterical.

I called my very bestest friend and she stood on the phone with me while I sat with Squealer wrapped in a towel, and Pipsqueak beside her saying goodbye.   I was hysterical, and I am grateful for her friendship and love just letting me cry hysterically on the phone until I was ready to hang up.

I think my baby had a stroke.  I am thankful it was quick, and I am thankful she waited for me to come home so I could love her one last time and tell her goodbye.  It never gets easy losing a pet, I think you relive all the other loses,  so the more loses you have, the more painful it becomes.  It feels as if a part of your heart dies along with them.

Hysterical, I drove Squealer's little body to the vet so she could be cremated.

Pipsqueak and I are so sad, and it will take us both some time to heal.   I need her as much as she needs me, and we are doing the best we can.

It has been over 3 weeks since my baby left and dammit, I miss her so much!   I have started bawling again while writing this.  I have picked up Squealer's ashes from the vet and I have them sitting here next to me.

RIP sweet girl......momma love you always!!!!!!!

Monday, September 24, 2012



So I’m sitting in the car in front of my house getting ready to leave to go to an appointment.    I see this little squirrel run across the street.   I sit there worried for him, hoping he will make it across the street before some car comes speeding down the street and runs him over.   Little did I know, he has other problems at the moment….. he is running from a cat.   This cat comes running across the street and chases the squirrel back and forth across the street.   I’m sitting there horrified……really?! Is this how I am going to start my day?!  Do I really have to witness a cat kill a squirrel right in front of me?!   Doesn’t my life already suck enough already…….do I have to have that visual in my head?! I know the cat has to eat and it’s the circle of life and all, but I don’t want to witness it.   Anyways, so I’m sitting there and I’m like, “run little squirrel……run!”   The little squirrel runs up a tree and I’m like, “good, run to safety little one!”   Then it occurs to me…….shit, cats can climb trees too can’t they?   I have to believe that the little squirrel was too fast for that cat and it got away.    I hope the squirrel had a happy ending and the cat found something else to eat.   It’s the only ending to this story that I can deal with at the moment.

Monday, August 27, 2012


One week after the loss of our Buddha, we lost our beloved Josh.   He was 14 years old and his life expectancy was 8 years.  He and his mom were two of the original animals at the barn.  He had a long and wonderful life but we are all still so sad.   RIP sweet boy, we will miss that beautiful smile and your huge warm heart!
Photo: This is Josh.  He has a beautiful smile but was being very coy with me.

Friday, August 17, 2012


A lot of things have been happening in my life for quite some time now and I am seeking ways of coping and changing, which has led me to this big question of what do I believe in? And I’m not talking about believing in myself, that is something I am working on and is a whole other subject.   I am talking about spiritually, what do I believe in? 

I want to start off by saying that I never get in religious battles and would never judge someone else’s culture or beliefs.
The world is not black and white.   People can do bad things but that does not necessarily mean they are a bad person.   The world is so quick to judge and religion is very guilty of this.
I was brought up Catholic and went to Catholic school and was TOLD to believe in God, Heaven and Hell, Angels, and that all powerful Devil.  I can say with all honesty that I absolutely believe in the Devil and Hell, and I can’t give up believing in God, Angels, and Heaven, but without actual proof it makes me wonder.   No one really knows and I hate that.   I don’t want to take someone else’s word for it. I need some sign that what I have been brought up to believe is true.  I have not been a churchgoer, religious, or spiritual for very many years, but I do pray and would like to know that I am sending my energy in the right direction.   All these support groups tell you to hand over your life and have faith in your “HIGHER POWER”, but who’s to say who that is.  It could be God, but it could also be Buddha, Allah, spirits, or witch pagan beliefs……whatever floats your boat….honestly, I don’t judge.
The whole subject of religion is so baffling…… Some people don’t believe in anything.  Some people think there is no God and we just go into nothingness for eternity.   Some people believe in reincarnation. There are so many different beliefs out there, but no one knows for certain.   I am not a person who likes surprises……I want to know!
Then I have recently encountered and am still dealing with a “psychic” in a situation that is dear to my heart.    I want to believe I am open-minded and I want to believe in people who can speak to the dead, or spirits, but this particular “psychic” is blatantly full of shit…..a big fake!   And the thing is is that she has EVERYONE around her fooled.   It is so upsetting to me.   Has the whole world gone insane and I’m the only sane person left (that is a truly frightening thought!)
It makes me very sad that this is all so conflicting for me.   I have discovered that being surrounded by bullshit and liars all my life has made me untrusting of pretty much everyone and everything.   I need to believe in something, but I also need proof.   I need to see it, feel it, or experience whatever it is for myself in order to believe it.   I don’t want to go through life not believing in anything, I need to believe in something.  I want to learn to trust in someone or something.

Has any of this made sense?   I tried to stay on the subject and not ramble, but putting into words how I feel is very hard.  I do feel a little better for expressing it……yet, I still have no answers.    SIGH…… would be so much simpler if we could all just be vampires…….

Friday, July 20, 2012


Always dread going to the dentist.    This time I resigned myself to it, tried to have no feelings about it whatsoever in order to not stress myself out.   Brought a book I’m really into to read for distraction.    Sit down in the chair and get concerned when the tech asks me which tooth it is……seriously?! don’t know?!   I make sure he is sure of which tooth we are talking about before we get started.   First they numb my mouth and give me shots so I don’t feel anything.   This in itself is awful.   The stuff they use to numb your mouth tastes funny & the shots still hurt like a motherfucker no matter how much numbing shit they put on your gums.   Then I get to sit there and wait…..wait for the numbness to take over so the torture can begin………
Now the torture begins.   Let me tell you what my dentist visit is about today.   I have  perfectly good crown on a tooth that already had a root canal in the past, but the seal is broken which means food is getting in there.   It will eventually cause me pain and suffering, and since I had insurance for a whole month (wow, am I a lucky girl!) and they decided to FINALLY approve my getting a new crown I am getting the crown removed and a new one will be placed on it.   I’m kind of upset since I currently have no pain, and now I am going to have pain!
Since the crown is in good condition except for the seal, the damn thing does not want to come off.   Did I mention that it is all the way in the back on the bottom (nice!)?!   And did I mention that I have TMJ so it really pains me to open my mouth really wide (nice again!)?!
So now the torture has really begun.   The master of torture gets out his evil tools, my favorites being the hammer (not kidding!) and the SAW (yes, a fucking saw!)   Took over an hour to get the bastard off….my jaw is throbbing and popping and I’m afraid it might get stuck.
Had all kinds of panic take over……started to sweat then started getting the chills……..
We got it done……2 and ½ hours later!, I’m ready to finally leave.   My jaw has been throbbing for quite some time already and I dread when the shot wears off because the real pain is going to start. 
And I don't understand how I can be hungry after all this…..but hungry I am.
So I decide to treat myself to a nice dinner.   I go to the Elephant Bar and have my new favorite dish there.   First of all it is extremely pitiful to be in a place like that eating by yourself.    Thankfully, the waiter put me in a booth in the back.   It was nice for all of 10 minutes.   Then this older couple came in and sat in the booth next to me…..still okay…..until their awful grandson comes in to meet them.   He is an actor (geez, really?!), or at least a want to be actor.  He goes on and on talking about the stage and performing and NY and all this other crap that no one wants to hear about (least of all me!) and he just goes on and on talking.  Then he starts talking about his motorcycle and this stupid thing he did at the DMV and how he has learned from his mistake.   Then he goes on to say how “when he was young”… (you are YOUNG you obnoxious little shit!)  Seriously……I couldn’t take much more.   He just kept talking and talking and talking, even after his food came.   I thought I would get a small reprieve because he needed to take time to chew!    The worst thing is that I cannot tune stuff out.   I have this super radar and I can hear everything that goes on in the tables around me… is a curse!
It was not a pleasant experience listening to this obnoxious young want to be actor go on and on talking about himself, and having to chew on one side of my mouth, and having the pain setting in.   But I managed to eat, popped some Advil, and got out of there without killing anyone!
Hope you had a better day than I did……..