Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I'm going to bitchslap the next person who says to me, "You should just be grateful” I hate the word "grateful". My definition of "grateful" these days is being put in miserable situations because your life depends on it while being treated really badly in the process...."but you should just be grateful” I deserve better than “grateful!”

Monday, February 20, 2012


For starters, you should know that I am known by my friends as the Celebrity Grim Reaper.  I start obsessing and goggling.   Whitney Houston is no exception.

I have gone through all ranges of emotions with this one. When I first heard she died I was shocked, which later led to anger, then jealousy, then sadness, and  then maybe anger again.  One thing remained the same, I was obsessed with everything Whitney.

I was sad she died, but let’s be honest, we all saw it coming years ago.  But it is a tragedy.

I will say that I am angry.  I am angry because she had everything and she threw it all away.   I cannot judge her, I have not walked in her shoes, but in my current state of struggling and suffering I cannot help but feel anger.

She had everything.  She had good looks, she had talent, she had her faith, and she had a large support group of people who loved her and had her back no matter what.    According to the interviews I watched she seemed like she was in denial and extremely stubborn.  She seemed to me to be very stoic when it came to big and emotional things.  I think you need to have a good cry and break something every once in awhile….not that I’m an expert, trust me, I’m a mess!

Her faith was very admirable.   I am envious of that.  I wish I had such faith.  But it also goes to show that not all the faith in the world could save her…..no wonder we all have doubts.   A religion discussion is for another day…….

I think the circumstances in her life, the lifestyle, the pressure, and most of all that rotten ex-husband of hers led to her drug addictions.   But she was a grown up person and no one forced those drugs down her throat or told her to smoke those cigarettes.  So she had choices and she made the wrong ones and paid the ultimate price.   Again, I did not walk in her shoes, and I have no right to judge.

And I do understand the hold that addictions have on you.   I come from a long line of alcoholics, so trust me, I know.   So you could say it is her fault, but not her fault.   Again, we did not walk in her shoes.

I watched her funeral on Saturday …..was glued to the TV for hours and have to say, was balling my eyes out.  It was beautiful.  I felt like I spent the afternoon in church.   What struck me the most was all the people who loved her and had her back no matter what.   They loved her unconditionally.   I wish I had people that had my back.  I only have one (and you know who you are), and that is more than most, but I was having a pity party for myself on Saturday afternoon.  I felt so depressed.   She had achieved so much her short time here on earth and was so loved.  Yes, she had pain and addictions, but she had a lot of love and joy.   I don’t think I have ever really had joy and my life is a train wreck!

It makes me mad that people call her names and say bad things about her because she did drugs.  She is only human and none of us are without our flaws and weaknesses.  And she was a talent in her day and an inspiration to a lot of people, and that can never be taken away from her.  Me I’m all over the place with my feelings, but the bottom line for me is I hope she really is up there with the angels singing and with her friend, Michael Jackson, who if there is such a thing as a heavenly gate, was up there waiting for her when she arrived.  Whitney deserves some everlasting peace.

Sunday, February 5, 2012


Had a “BAD” week and my weekend was even worse….was feeling very depressed and hopeless.  I felt so alone.

Went to The Gentle Barn on Sunday, where I have started to volunteer.  This is my 3rd Sunday as a volunteer.  The first time I was there I was keeper of the door to the cow area.  The second time, I was in charge of one section of the horses.  Both times it was interaction with people and with the animals.   This week, my third week, it was strictly me and the animals (yay!)

When I first got there I told Ellie the founder, that I was sorry about the loss of Devine.  She was  a very beloved goat who was healing in her heart, but her poor health took over, and despite all The Gentle Barn’s efforts, she died on Thursday morning.   I gave Ellie a hug and we both cried.   Ellie chatted with the group and was telling us all about the 6 goats they just rescued this week from a backyard butcher  and then she gave assignments.   She told me she wanted to know if I was okay with sitting with the 6 new goats in quarantine.  I didn’t even hesitate and said, “I would love to. I would be honored to do that.”

So it’s up to quarantine I went.  I could have a book, water, and food , but I couldn’t leave the area the entire time I was there (5 hours) to even pee because I was in Quarantine, and when I left at the end of the day I had to leave, I couldn’t mingle with the other animals.   For a few seconds, complete panic set in.  It hit me that these sweet babies were in isolation and I could catch something from them or bring it home.  After sitting with those beautiful souls for a few minutes, my panic went away.   This is what I want to do, I want to work with animals.   I want to get my hands dirty……this was getting my hands dirty.  This was seeing what I was made of. 

All the goats were severely neglected, some more traumatized than others.  Only one girl had human interaction and kindness, so she is the most friendly of the bunch.  She was all over me.  The other  5 were different degrees of scared.  I was told that 2 of them are severely submissive if a human gets close to them, thinking that they are next to die and just make it quick.  These sweet babies all witnessed goats being slaughtered right in front of their eyes.   I cannot imagine how horrible that must be.  It is unimaginable!  Absolutely horrible!  They have a lot of healing, both physically and mentally to do.

Although it might seem boring just sitting there it is a very important part of their healing.  It was okay for me to pet them or touch them if they came to me, but they had to come to me.   Only the one girl was willing to do this.  I could talk to them, sing to them, read to them, anything else of that nature as long as I didn’t touch them or try to chase them.  This is important because they need to learn that humans can be present and are not going to harm them and are not going to want anything from them, that it is okay to approach them and get some love.   5 of the goats have had no human contact or interaction.

None of the goats have names yet.   So the friendly girl was all over me, giving me kisses, letting me pet her, trying to eat my book, and just letting me talk to her.   The other goats did not get close, but they looked me right in the eye and I talked to them each individually without approaching them or touching them.  They felt comfortable enough around me to get up and eat and move around.  

I had a great time just watching them.  Their personalities are starting to come out.  I talked with Ellie afterwards and she asked me how it went.  She told me that she heard I did a great job and wanted to know if I wanted to do this task for the next few Sundays as this is a crucial time for healing for the goats.  She even asked me if I could come other days since I was so good with them, I am going to try to come on some Saturdays too.  She told me that I had an energy about me….it was such a lovely thing to say.  As I was talking to her about the goats, she asked me, “Where did you come from?  You are amazing with the animals, you are just good with them.” 

I have to say this is the first day in awhile that I felt like I mattered.  For a few hours today I forgot about all my problems and was actually happy.   That is huge for me, I am not a happy person.

So not only am I helping heal the goats, but they are playing a part in healing me.

It was a good afternoon.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Crappy crappy day!   Had to take my guinea pigs to the vet today and while driving on the freeway broke into tears, can’t take this drive anymore to the vet without thinking about when I had to put my ferret, Yogi Bear, to sleep…..hits me like a ton of bricks every time!   I will never recover from losing him, it still hurts SO bad!  He was my baby and I went through it all alone.  His death was one of many things that ended for me in that time period, (life as I knew it) the loss of my apartment, the loss of my partner, having to move back in with my mother (who is crazy!), and the list goes on and on.

Then we got a bad report from the vet.   My one guinea pig needed antibiotics and eye drops, but my other one has to have a cyst removed and they do not know what they are dealing with.  They took fluid out of it, but it is undetermined what it is.  So I need to schedule her for a $600 surgery within the next 30 days!   Today’s visit cost me $152!  FML!

Went to the pet store to get litter for my girls after work and visited the dogs up for adoption through this rescue called MuttShack through the Petco in Burbank.    They were all so lovely, but so scared and so thin.  They all need homes and I so wish I could help one (of course, I want to help them all).  My heart breaks thinking of all the animals who are scared and abused out there.  

Then I finally get on FB after a long and stressful day and find out that one of the goats that were recently rescued at The Gentle Barn (where I visit and volunteer) died today after every attempt being done to save her.   Okay, I’m seriously crying now!

Life is so cruel and sad.   Wish I could just delete this day.