Thursday, November 8, 2012

RIP My Sweet Girl.......

These are my baby girls, Squealer (left) and Pipsqueak (right).    My sweet pumpkin, Squealer (left) left me suddenly on 10/15/12. 

Squealer and Pipsqueak have been together for their entire lives.   I got them when they were only a few weeks old, I was told they are sisters.   Even if they are not from the same litter, they are truly sisters in every other way.   They are four years old and inseparable.

Both girls have had their share of medical issues, including blindness in one eye and cataracts.   My Squealer has always been the sicker of the two.   It has made me so sad and I worried about her all the time.   I did the best I could for her, always getting her the best medical care possible.

Squealer just had an $800 surgery in June, just three months ago, to remove a large stone from her bladder.   She never bounced back from that surgery.   Yes, she was better as far as her abdomen went, but she was never quite right.   I have always been very aware of what was going on with my girls, I am a very attentive momma.

In the morning on the day she died, I knew she was going to die.   I have seen it enough with my other little animals, hamsters and ferrets, to see the signs and to know it in my gut.   She didn't take her treat that morning, and she pushed me away when we did our little routine of giving each other eskimo kisses that morning.   I didn't want to believe it.   I had an appt that afternoon, so I went to the appt, hoping I was wrong.  I came home from my appt and 10 minutes later, my little girl left me.    I came home to find her lying in her cage in the corner, when I picked her up I saw that she was dragging one side of her body.   In a panic, I picked her up and wrapped her in some soft towels and held her close and kissed her repeatedly.   As I was trying to deny what was happening (I wasn't ready to lose her!) and debating if I needed to rush her to the vet, she started opening and closing her mouth and then started making clicking noises.   Panic is setting in on me, and before I knew it, she was just gone.   I was hysterical.

I called my very bestest friend and she stood on the phone with me while I sat with Squealer wrapped in a towel, and Pipsqueak beside her saying goodbye.   I was hysterical, and I am grateful for her friendship and love just letting me cry hysterically on the phone until I was ready to hang up.

I think my baby had a stroke.  I am thankful it was quick, and I am thankful she waited for me to come home so I could love her one last time and tell her goodbye.  It never gets easy losing a pet, I think you relive all the other loses,  so the more loses you have, the more painful it becomes.  It feels as if a part of your heart dies along with them.

Hysterical, I drove Squealer's little body to the vet so she could be cremated.

Pipsqueak and I are so sad, and it will take us both some time to heal.   I need her as much as she needs me, and we are doing the best we can.

It has been over 3 weeks since my baby left and dammit, I miss her so much!   I have started bawling again while writing this.  I have picked up Squealer's ashes from the vet and I have them sitting here next to me.

RIP sweet girl......momma love you always!!!!!!!

Monday, September 24, 2012



So I’m sitting in the car in front of my house getting ready to leave to go to an appointment.    I see this little squirrel run across the street.   I sit there worried for him, hoping he will make it across the street before some car comes speeding down the street and runs him over.   Little did I know, he has other problems at the moment….. he is running from a cat.   This cat comes running across the street and chases the squirrel back and forth across the street.   I’m sitting there horrified……really?! Is this how I am going to start my day?!  Do I really have to witness a cat kill a squirrel right in front of me?!   Doesn’t my life already suck enough already…….do I have to have that visual in my head?! I know the cat has to eat and it’s the circle of life and all, but I don’t want to witness it.   Anyways, so I’m sitting there and I’m like, “run little squirrel……run!”   The little squirrel runs up a tree and I’m like, “good, run to safety little one!”   Then it occurs to me…….shit, cats can climb trees too can’t they?   I have to believe that the little squirrel was too fast for that cat and it got away.    I hope the squirrel had a happy ending and the cat found something else to eat.   It’s the only ending to this story that I can deal with at the moment.

Monday, August 27, 2012


One week after the loss of our Buddha, we lost our beloved Josh.   He was 14 years old and his life expectancy was 8 years.  He and his mom were two of the original animals at the barn.  He had a long and wonderful life but we are all still so sad.   RIP sweet boy, we will miss that beautiful smile and your huge warm heart!
Photo: This is Josh.  He has a beautiful smile but was being very coy with me.

Friday, August 17, 2012


A lot of things have been happening in my life for quite some time now and I am seeking ways of coping and changing, which has led me to this big question of what do I believe in? And I’m not talking about believing in myself, that is something I am working on and is a whole other subject.   I am talking about spiritually, what do I believe in? 

I want to start off by saying that I never get in religious battles and would never judge someone else’s culture or beliefs.
The world is not black and white.   People can do bad things but that does not necessarily mean they are a bad person.   The world is so quick to judge and religion is very guilty of this.
I was brought up Catholic and went to Catholic school and was TOLD to believe in God, Heaven and Hell, Angels, and that all powerful Devil.  I can say with all honesty that I absolutely believe in the Devil and Hell, and I can’t give up believing in God, Angels, and Heaven, but without actual proof it makes me wonder.   No one really knows and I hate that.   I don’t want to take someone else’s word for it. I need some sign that what I have been brought up to believe is true.  I have not been a churchgoer, religious, or spiritual for very many years, but I do pray and would like to know that I am sending my energy in the right direction.   All these support groups tell you to hand over your life and have faith in your “HIGHER POWER”, but who’s to say who that is.  It could be God, but it could also be Buddha, Allah, spirits, or witch pagan beliefs……whatever floats your boat….honestly, I don’t judge.
The whole subject of religion is so baffling…… Some people don’t believe in anything.  Some people think there is no God and we just go into nothingness for eternity.   Some people believe in reincarnation. There are so many different beliefs out there, but no one knows for certain.   I am not a person who likes surprises……I want to know!
Then I have recently encountered and am still dealing with a “psychic” in a situation that is dear to my heart.    I want to believe I am open-minded and I want to believe in people who can speak to the dead, or spirits, but this particular “psychic” is blatantly full of shit…..a big fake!   And the thing is is that she has EVERYONE around her fooled.   It is so upsetting to me.   Has the whole world gone insane and I’m the only sane person left (that is a truly frightening thought!)
It makes me very sad that this is all so conflicting for me.   I have discovered that being surrounded by bullshit and liars all my life has made me untrusting of pretty much everyone and everything.   I need to believe in something, but I also need proof.   I need to see it, feel it, or experience whatever it is for myself in order to believe it.   I don’t want to go through life not believing in anything, I need to believe in something.  I want to learn to trust in someone or something.

Has any of this made sense?   I tried to stay on the subject and not ramble, but putting into words how I feel is very hard.  I do feel a little better for expressing it……yet, I still have no answers.    SIGH…… would be so much simpler if we could all just be vampires…….

Friday, July 20, 2012


Always dread going to the dentist.    This time I resigned myself to it, tried to have no feelings about it whatsoever in order to not stress myself out.   Brought a book I’m really into to read for distraction.    Sit down in the chair and get concerned when the tech asks me which tooth it is……seriously?! don’t know?!   I make sure he is sure of which tooth we are talking about before we get started.   First they numb my mouth and give me shots so I don’t feel anything.   This in itself is awful.   The stuff they use to numb your mouth tastes funny & the shots still hurt like a motherfucker no matter how much numbing shit they put on your gums.   Then I get to sit there and wait…..wait for the numbness to take over so the torture can begin………
Now the torture begins.   Let me tell you what my dentist visit is about today.   I have  perfectly good crown on a tooth that already had a root canal in the past, but the seal is broken which means food is getting in there.   It will eventually cause me pain and suffering, and since I had insurance for a whole month (wow, am I a lucky girl!) and they decided to FINALLY approve my getting a new crown I am getting the crown removed and a new one will be placed on it.   I’m kind of upset since I currently have no pain, and now I am going to have pain!
Since the crown is in good condition except for the seal, the damn thing does not want to come off.   Did I mention that it is all the way in the back on the bottom (nice!)?!   And did I mention that I have TMJ so it really pains me to open my mouth really wide (nice again!)?!
So now the torture has really begun.   The master of torture gets out his evil tools, my favorites being the hammer (not kidding!) and the SAW (yes, a fucking saw!)   Took over an hour to get the bastard off….my jaw is throbbing and popping and I’m afraid it might get stuck.
Had all kinds of panic take over……started to sweat then started getting the chills……..
We got it done……2 and ½ hours later!, I’m ready to finally leave.   My jaw has been throbbing for quite some time already and I dread when the shot wears off because the real pain is going to start. 
And I don't understand how I can be hungry after all this…..but hungry I am.
So I decide to treat myself to a nice dinner.   I go to the Elephant Bar and have my new favorite dish there.   First of all it is extremely pitiful to be in a place like that eating by yourself.    Thankfully, the waiter put me in a booth in the back.   It was nice for all of 10 minutes.   Then this older couple came in and sat in the booth next to me…..still okay…..until their awful grandson comes in to meet them.   He is an actor (geez, really?!), or at least a want to be actor.  He goes on and on talking about the stage and performing and NY and all this other crap that no one wants to hear about (least of all me!) and he just goes on and on talking.  Then he starts talking about his motorcycle and this stupid thing he did at the DMV and how he has learned from his mistake.   Then he goes on to say how “when he was young”… (you are YOUNG you obnoxious little shit!)  Seriously……I couldn’t take much more.   He just kept talking and talking and talking, even after his food came.   I thought I would get a small reprieve because he needed to take time to chew!    The worst thing is that I cannot tune stuff out.   I have this super radar and I can hear everything that goes on in the tables around me… is a curse!
It was not a pleasant experience listening to this obnoxious young want to be actor go on and on talking about himself, and having to chew on one side of my mouth, and having the pain setting in.   But I managed to eat, popped some Advil, and got out of there without killing anyone!
Hope you had a better day than I did……..

Friday, June 29, 2012



In 2008 we were part of a rescue with more than 400 animals from a hoarder. One of them was an emu we called Yoda. When we first rescued him he was wild eyed and scared. We spent months showing him he was protected and loved and took very good care of him. He finally realized he was safe with us and started allowing us to pet him. Throughout the first year we bonded with Yoda and he would put his head on our shoulder and we would wrap our arms around his neck and snuggle him and he would snuggle us. He looked so intimidating and powerful to newcomers, but he was always gentle, sweet and kind!
Yoda was amazing; he had a game he played with our peacock, Jewel. The first time I saw them play I thought that they were fighting. I was working at my desk in my office that overlooks the barnyard, so I can see all the animals while I work and I saw Yoda chasing Jewel around the barnyard and thought that it didn’t seem right. I got up from my desk and was about to run out to stop them when they stopped, turned around and then Jewel started chasing Yoda. It was like they were taking turns playing chase! They remained playmates for the rest of Yoda’s time here.
Yoda liked men more than women. When our animal caretaker came to work everyday, Yoda would see his car and come running to the gate to wait for him. Yoda would follow him around and be by his side as he did his clean up and feeding of the other animals. Yoda didn’t pay much attention to women other than cuddling, but when I came into the barnyard with my hair up he was all of a sudden very impressed! Yoda would run over to me and look at me like, “hay, whatcha doin?” He would follow me around and then sit down on his elbows and creep up to me and posture like he was about to mate with me. I would explain to me that I was flattered, but married and walk away. He ultimately would grab the rubber band and pull it out of my hair, exposing that I was indeed a woman and then he would lose all interest, as he threw the rubber band at my feet.
Yoda was an amazing ambassador with the at risk kids we work with. The children were always intimidated by him initially, because he looked so reptilian and imposing, but after seeing how he loved to cuddle and hearing my explanation of how he is so gentle they would gather around and pet him and stroke his fluffy head and watch him fall asleep. It would always lead to a discussion about how it feels to be judged and how unfair it is to judge someone else. Yoda was clearly different than what he looked like and so are most of the kids we work with.
On Thursday morning, June 28 we woke up to Yoda coughing up blood from his mouth. We called our mobile vet immediately and were told that she was not working that day. Then we called our bird expert and were told that he was out of town for the day. We kept calling as many hospitals as we could think of and were told over and over again that they did not work on emus, or that they were closed for the day. Finally we got a hold of one of the pet hospital we worked with in the past, that works on birds and were told that they were off for the day, but that the doctor came into the hospital just for a moment to check on some animals. She agreed to wait for us and to treat Yoda. We carried Yoda into the horse trailer after explaining to him what was going on and where we were taking him. We cooled him off so he would be more comfortable for the ride and were on our way.
We arrived at the hospital and got him into an observation room right away. As the office staff brought in an estimate, we gave them permission to do whatever they deem necessary to save our Yoda and explained to them that we never make decisions for our animals based on money, only for their highest good. The doctor gave him a shot to sedate him and drew blood to send to the lab. Then they started a series of tests and x-rays to determine why he was bleeding internally. After the tests were done, there was still no clue what had caused the internal bleeding, the x-rays didn’t show any foreign object lodged inside or any holes, etc.
Meanwhile we kept calling different bird vets to see if any of them might have had any additional suggestions or experience with Emu’s. We kept getting the same answer; there was nothing more we could do. We did get one vet that said that he could use a scope to look inside but not until the next day. We would have to wake Yoda up, keep him at the vets overnight, and transport him to another hospital the next morning to sedate him again for a scope exam and perhaps exploratory surgery. The bleeding wouldn’t stop though, and the doctors said that there was no way he was going to make it through the night, so they suggested that the kindest thing to do was to let him go. They urged us not to put him through more steps, that if he was to be woken up, that he could suffer a very horrible death. As I sat in the hallway and cried huge sobs of grief they let Yoda go. Yoda left in about five seconds flat; there was no hesitation on his part. It was almost impossible to get my body, heavy with grief off the ground to get to the car to drive home. There was a hole in my heart that could not be mended.
Arriving home was hard because I didn’t want to see the barnyard without him, I didn’t want a Gentle Barn without Yoda. I wanted to look inside the white fence and see Yoda’s funny ballerina walk and see him run, his neck and head going one direction and his fluffy body going another. I wanted to kiss his fluffy head and hold his neck up while he fell asleep in my hands. I wanted to whisper in his ear how much I love him. I want to tell visitors on Sundays how he is a distant relative to the dinosaur and he has dinosaur feet and have the visitors gasp in excitement to meet him! How can I host a group of at risk kids without him? I will forever expect him to be standing behind me to grab my hair band and let my hair loose, exposing me for being a woman.
Yoda was not just an amazing bird, not just an ambassador, not just a teacher, not just our partner healing at risk kids, but Yoda was our friend! Jay and I are heavy with grief, devastated and inconsolable. We are trying to find our way to the gratitude of having met him and the miracle of knowing him and loving him, but it will take time, because for now we just feel a big gaping hole in our barnyard and in our hearts.

Friday, June 15, 2012


Bet you have been anxiously awaiting for the next chapter of this story…….
First of all, I want to say that I never got that $1 charged to my card to start the stupid program that salesman from hell tried to get me to sign up for where if I liked it I would have to pay $29.99 a month after 30 days and I would get $100 gas card whether I kept the offer or not…..may still arrive, but I have my doubts.   Honestly, this is for the best, didn’t want that stupid program anyways and I don’t trust that that $100 in gas is free……no, I don’t trust anyone!
So my tummy tuck belt has safely arrived.   For inquiring minds who are dying to know…..the second belt that I was so uncertain of ordering because they never indicated if it was free or they were going to charge you…..well, they charged me for that second belt…..$19.99! (really?!.....the bastards!)…..well, I knew it was a gamble when I said yes to that part.
So the belt arrives.   I read the instructions and I watch the DVD.   On the infomercial they said you have to apply the cream and wear the belt for 10 minutes only ONCE a day (I realize it was 4:30 in the morning when I watched this, but I know what I heard)…..when you read the instructions and watch the video it is two times of day you have to apply the cream and wear the belt for 10 minutes (this is no biggie……but they have already lied!)
So I applied the cream yesterday and put on the belt.   I wore it longer than  10 minutes (you can wear the belt for as long as you want and it is accelerated if you work out) and worked out at the gym.   I wore it all day today.   You apply the cream and let it dry, then put on the belt and do these abdominal exercises they show you on the DVD for two minutes and that is supposed to get this thermal cream working which is what is supposed to burn this belly fat…..honestly, I don’t feel the heat from this cream like they say I am supposed to.  
And I want instant results…..I know I have to be patient and will start seeing results within a month, but I want to see those results and I want to see them now!  Maybe it’s wrong of me to be so impatient, but I had to listen to all that bullshit from those salespeople so I think I earned the right to be impatient.
So I will keep you posted on my results.   Until then……….wish me luck!

Friday, June 8, 2012

Adding to my HORROR…….TUMMY TUCK BELT (.....PART 2......)


So this evening I get a phone call from the Tummy Tuck Company confirming my address, telling me my order is being shipped out, and to offer me some stupid Program where I will have $100’s in savings if I pursue it for only $1 and then additional $29.99 a month unless I cancel within a month…..the catch is they give you $100 gift card for gas (REALLY!......very suspicious about this) whether you decide to stay on the program or cancel it.   So she transfers me to a different representative…...
He gets on the line and confirms all the info the first girl did…..(GEEZ, SERIOUSLY?!) and tells me about the same program she did with the free $100 gas card whether I continue with their offer or not and THEN he goes on to give me an ADDITIONAL program with only $1 cost to me and then ANOTHER $29.99 a month where I will get a $25 American Express gift card unless I decide to cancel it in 30 days!   Now I lose it!  
I told him that I did not want these programs!   All I want is my order to be shipped to me and to get on with my life.   He tries to continue with his promotion and how there is no obligation and don’t I want a free $100 for gas.   Okay, if it is free, I do want that $100.  So I agree to the first program so I get that free $100 for gas (we’ll see if he is telling me the truth about it), but as soon as I get the program crap, I’m going to call that 800 number and cancel it.   The second program I have no interest in at all and cut him off when he tried to talk me into that one.
I just can’t believe they are offering to give all this free crap away….free gas, free credit card, a fricking cruise to the Bahamas!......nothing is free in this world and everything is a trick!   I can’t believe you can’t just order something, purchase it clean and clear, without being harassed and having people trying to talk you into more shit you don’t need!   I loath salespeople!   I don’t know how they sleep at night!

The Tunmy Tuck Belt (...PART 1...)----TEMPORARY INSANITY or good product?!

PART 1...........

Want to start out by saying that this is honestly only the second time in my life that I have ordered anything from the TV.   The first time I ordered a straightening flat iron for my hair and I brought it to my hairdresser to check out, she told me it was crap, and I mailed it back… maybe that time didn’t even count……who knows?!
So anyways, I’m up at 4:30 in the morning the other day and I turn on the TV.   They are showing an infomercial for the Tummy Tuck Belt, Miracle Slimming System.   The commercial featured real people who were not models or actors and seemed pretty convincing, or is it only because  it was 4:30 in the morning and I technically wasn’t awake and rational yet…..again who knows?
So this is how the belt works.   You apply this special heating gel to your stomach, wear the belt for 10 minutes (it instantly makes you smooth just wearing it, no little bulges or anything!) then take the belt off and the heating gel is now activating and burning the fat as you go about your day.    You are supposed to see results in 30 days or your money back no questions asked.
I want to say that I am a thin person who has always worked out and I guess I look okay for my age, but I now have this little muffin around my waist and I hate it!   I don’t know quite when it happened, but it is there.   It’s a small tiny muffin and I don’t plan on it getting bigger and obviously I want it to go away, hence ordering the Tummy Tuck Belt.
I also want to say that I am not a gullible person, I am actually very suspicious and I don't buy into all these gadgets and other crap they try to sell you on the TV. For some reason, I really liked this product and it looks like it will work.......or maybe it is because it was 4:30 in the fricking morning and I was temporarily insane!
So the belt is normally offered for 3 payments of $19.99 but if you order now they will pay the first payment and you only pay 2 payments of $19.99.   Sounds good to me, so I call.
The phone call…….it is all automated.   First they ask you what size you are and that sort of thing.  Then they get to the payment.   After the payment is when it gets complicated.   They ask if you want 1 or 2 additional belts so you have extras if your belt gets soiled.   Sure I do, but do I have to pay extra?   I’m not sure, I hate not knowing, but I really want extra belts if I can get them for free….what do I do?    I took a gamble and answered that I want 1 extra belt.   Now they ask you if you want a lifetime supply of this magic gel that is supposed to burn off the fat that comes with the initial belt….um….that would be a no! They try to talk you into buying some fat burning supplement. They ask you if you want to buy this special eye and face cream (oh my God, really?)…..that would be a no (even though I have a weakness for special eye and face creams).   Then they ask you if you want to sign up for some special kind of insurance service…. (WHAT!)…..that would also be a no.    Let me tell you that every time you decline the stupid recording comes on and tells you, “Even though I value your decision, are you sure you don’t want to blah blah blah!”….REALLY!, I said no already!
So I go through all the questions and I answer them.   Just want to hang up and then the final words come over the recording, “As a thank you for ordering today we are going to give you paid 2 day cruise for 2 to the Bahamas, all you have to pay is some docking fee or something or other, please wait on the line and you will be connected to one of our representatives……WTF! I’m scared, so I hung up.

Friday, May 25, 2012



My guinea pig SQUEALER has had problems in the last few years with God only knows what exactly at this point.   To make a LONG story short she is currently dealing with urinary issues and it cannot be determined what we are dealing with without a whole bunch of really expensive tests that she will have to be put under anesthesia for.  I have been worried about her for a very long time now and don’t really know what I should do, mainly because it is all so expensive.
We had an emergency visit to the vet today.   It is probably something that could have been avoided but my life is such a train wreck that I guess I haven’t given Squealer the attention she needed and I feel so guilty about it…….well here is what happened:   She had a visit to the vet over a month ago for her urinary issues and I agreed have a few tests done on her.   They kept her there for a few hours and attempted to get a urine sample from her.   After several attempts it was determined that she would not stay still and that this test and any other tests would have to be done under anesthesia.   So I took her home, but she had a little bandage on her tiny little arm from where they poked her with a needle or intravenous or whatever.....well that bandage has become a nightmare!    That bandage was on so tight that I could not remove it.   I tried several times and every time I tried to remove it she would resist and start screaming.   So I decided to leave it alone and let it come off on its own or let her bite it off.   I checked it every day concerned that it looked too tight.   Well yesterday I noticed Squealer was limping, but didn’t notice until later that her little foot and part of her leg was swollen 3 times its normal size and was bleeding underneath!    So I had to get that bandage off no matter what.  She screamed and she bit me but we finally got it off!  She let me put some ice on it so that it would get numb and hopefully have some of the swelling go down, but today I had to take her to the vet because it did not look that much better this morning.    She got sent home with antibiotics and pain meds, poor little thing.  I feel so guilty……..this arm thing did not need to happen to her.
So I have been worried because I was told last time I was at that the vet that she might have a stone in her urinary tract but today a different doctor (can’t seem to get the same doctors and they all have different theories……or maybe they don’t all know what they are doing, don’t know who to believe anymore!) said that she might be diabetic because she has cataracts in both her eyes, she drinks a lot of water, and this along with urinary infections are symptoms of diabetes which believe it or not is very common in guinea pigs!   Really?!  Seriously?!   Diabetes?!!!!!!!   BUT nothing is for certain without that battery of tests so we don’t know how to treat her at the moment.
Do they not know they are dealing with ANXIETY GIRL!   Do they need to put more worry on my plate?!  
What would you do?

Wednesday, May 23, 2012



When we first saw Benjamin lying on the side of the road at our fence in the hot sun, he was extremely lethargic, severely dehydrated, and would not stand or look at us. At first, we thought he had neurological problems caused by distemper, but at the same time he smelled of Parvo. The vet said that perhaps the reason he was not walking was because he was so weak and depleted by the Parvo. He did come up positive for Parvo so we started addressing those symptoms. In a few days he stopped throwing up, he was no longer dehydrated and he started eating, but he still did not stand up and could not track anything properly with his eyes. This still looked like neurological problems to us and we were very worried about him. Late Friday night he went into a full-blown distemper seizure which made him foam at the mouth, chomp his jaw and howl and scream constantly. We had cured his Parvo, but the distemper, which had caused irreversible damage, even before we found him, was killing him! The screaming lasted for 4 hours until we knew without any doubt that it was our duty to set him free from a body that was clearly no longer working.
Most of the time animals come to The Gentle Barn to heal and to live, but our most important work is when animals come to The Gentle Barn to die. Benjamin’s own family would not care for him or see him to the end, for whatever reason. But instead of dying on Sierra highway, in the dirt, alone, we found him! Benjamin died after knowing how it felt to sleep in our bed, to sit on our lap, to never be alone, to have people from around the world praying for him and sending him love, and to leave while laying not in the dirt, but in our arms, hearing soft words, and knowing love! That is why he was here and we are honored to have played that role in his life.

RIP Sweet Billy........


13 years ago we discovered an abusive petting zoo and started taking home animals that were sick, lame, or terrified in order to heal them. One of the very first goats we took in was “Billy” the goat. He was a tiny baby, only a few months old and he had horrible pneumonia, green stuff coming out of his nose and a high fever. He was not getting any medical care at the petting zoo, so we asked if we could take him to save him and they agreed. We asked about his mom and they said that his mom didn’t care about him and that we should just take him. That did not sound quite right to us, but we scooped him up and carried him out. As soon as we did that, the mommy goat started screaming, ramming the fence, and going absolutely crazy, doing everything anyone would do if his or her beloved child was abducted. I went back into the petting zoo and insisted on taking the mom, because she clearly cared about her son! Duh!
Once Billy was home at The Gentle Barn we gave him great quality food, clean water, medical attention, nutritional supplements and lots of love and he healed nicely. Billy grew into a handsome, strong, intelligent and very affectionate (but only when he felt like it), guy. Billy’s mom, Sophie was a doting, nurturing, loving mom who taught us a tremendous amount about the bonds between animals and their babies. As demonstrated by Sophie, animals adore their children the same way we do, have the same drives to protect them, and the same wish to raise them and be in their lives as we do! Sophie allowed Billy to nurse for about 2 years. She would hold still and be patient with him until he had his fill. When Billy was about 2 years old Sophie, in her infinite wisdom decided she had enough and Billy was done. One day he came to nurse, like he always did, only this time she gave him a swift kick and said, “no more!” and that was the day Billy grew up and became a mature, respectful, adult member of the herd. When there was cause for concern, however, like barking dogs, a new animal friend, an overly excited running animal, Sophie would stand in front of Billy and protect him, no matter how old he was! Sophie and Billy were often found in the barnyard together, grooming each other, or just leaning against each other for company. Their bond never wavered, or diminished, they have always been close; there was never any mistaking the fact that they were mother and son. In fact, if Billy had been able to breed and start a family of his own, we are sure that Sophie would have made an amazingly, loving and doting grandma too!

Over the last few months Billy has had an infection that caused a runny nose. Even though he has been on medication and the strict supervision of the vets, he had made no progress at healing. We changed meds, added supplements, all to no avail. Because his nose was stuffed up, Billy could not smell and therefore had no appetite and was loosing weight. The vets said that goats usually live till about 8, Because Billy was 13 and so old, his body just could not get a head of the infections.

This week Billy had either a stroke or a seizure and was left with very little brain function. He was not eating, his body was unable to digest food so he was constantly throwing up, and he was not responding to anyone. The vets came out right away and believed that Billy had a brain tumor and it was causing the seizures and his decreased brain function. They said that he would slowly waist away and would continue to have seizures and that it is their recommendation that we help him out of a body that is no longer working. Making these kinds of decisions is the hardest part of our job! But if our job is to love the animals, care for and protect the animals, then it is also to give them a dignified, peaceful pain free exit when the time comes so they don’t suffer.

The vets gave me a moment with Billy and I said to him, “I love you unconditionally, I love you whether you stay or go. If you want to stay though, you had better go over and eat something right now so I’ll know you are not done.” Billy looked at me as I said these words and deliberately walked away from me, away from the food. I brought Billy into a stall in the barn and waited for the vets to return and I though I would try to talk to him again. So I told him that it is my job to help him out of his body when he is suffering and today is that day. As soon as I had said that, Billy walked right up to my face and stared into my eyes and I felt like he really wanted to go, that he was ready! Then he licked my face and kissed my nose and thanked me for understanding him.

This Tuesday afternoon, with the birds singing a farewell song and the breeze whispering its support, Billy left The Gentle Barn and all who loved him. He did not resist or struggle, in fact he lay peacefully in my arms and departed very quickly and easily. Moments after he left, his mom Sophie came over and lay on my left, Sassy the goat lay on my right, and Ellen the turkey came running over and lay in front of me, and we grieved together. We shed tears because we will miss him so, but we also smiled as we remembered how amazing he was and how grateful we were to have met him and shared in his life!

Billy was always very particular about when, how and if he wanted to be pet. He also was not very fond of children because when he was born at that abusive petting zoo he was chased and tortured by kids. We spent years healing him for that trauma and he came a long way in forgiving kids. But over the last few months Billy really turned a corner and decided to let the past go and reach out to children. When we had groups over the last few months Billy would walk into the middle of them and insist that they all pet and hug him. I am so proud of him and honored to have known him and will always remember him surrounded by children while he smiled in love and triumph!

Just a little advice to help you get through the day........

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

F%&#ing IDIOTS!

We have all dated, known, worked with or are related to, married to (or divorced from) or have children to someone who suffers from being a fucking idiot. We all need to understand, being a fucking idiot is real and must be taken seriously. You could be sitting next to a fucking idiot right now. There is still no known cure for being a fucking idiot, and sympathy does not help. Sometimes a piece of 2x4 to the back of the head helps, but not a lot. We must raise awareness before it is too late!

Watching too much DEXTER.......

3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. 1 rope, 3 rolls of duct tape and a shovel: $35.00
3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier's face: Priceless!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Want to start by saying that this is an absolutely true story and nothing was made up or exaggerated.  Unfortunately to my horror this happened to me.

When I went to Panda Express over the weekend I am standing in line behind this man and woman.   The man is small and homely (sorry I’m being honest) the woman is big…..tall and heavy……frumpy and plain (again, just being honest).  They order this huge amount of food.   Felt they needed to explain that it would be a few meals for them (I don’t judge and I certainly didn’t ask!)  Then for some reason (I don’t know why these things always happen to me!) they felt the need to tell me that they are a couple, very happy together for over 25 years.   Okay TMI….. but you’re probably thinking they were just being friendly…..well maybe they were until they took it to the next level! 
Are you ready?!

Are you sure?!

Okay here it goes……don’t say I didn’t warn you!
They proceed to tell me how happy they are and how they must have been doing something right all these years and then the short little man gets behind the tall large woman grabs her from behind……are you sure you want to read this, one last chance to stop yourself!……grabs her boobs (in public!!!!) squeezes (squeezes and fondles for what seems like FOREVER!)  them and shouts “Mine mine mine!”  Can you say fucking creepy!  I was horrified and I am going to be scarred for life!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Have to get this off my chest ……..

There is this girl in my office who I cannot pretend to like or even be cordial to….she rides my last nerve just knowing she is in the vicinity!  She is 22 completely obnoxious and very loud with the most irritating of laughs!   She literally laughs at everything someone says to her.   She is very vain…..she goes around calling herself awesome and has pictures of herself everywhere so she can see them.  She blatantly says she is good-looking……seriously?! …..who talks that way!  No one I associate with that’s for sure!  She is everything I am not…..she is fake.   I hate fake people!   I may be a lot of things and people may say this or that about me, but they can never call me fake because then they are just stupid!

So why do people flock around this dumb obnoxious fake loud irritating bitch of a girl?!  Did I leave out any adjectives?  Especially the men……are they that shallow?  Do they just like the fake attention she gives them!   Do they just think with only one thing…..hope not all of them follow this stereotype!   She has nothing to offer them.   I just don’t get it.   I HATE her!

Maybe there is that part of me that is jealous that she is 22, but that’s where I draw the line.   I wouldn’t want to be like her in any other way.  There is a reason they call me kranky!

Hearse Sighting at the Target Parking Lot......can't think of a more appropriate pic for my blog! No dead bodies inside.....darn! Can think of a few people we can swing by and pick up!

Sunday, April 22, 2012


It’s been awhile since I’ve written.   This blogging thing has me really discouraged.   It is supposed to be simple and fun but for the technologically challenged…….not so much!   So I will start with this rant and then take another shot at it.
First I want to start off by saying, “WTF is it so bright out at 6:30 a.m!”  You would think the one saving grace of having to get up at the crack of dawn is that you don’t have to drive with the sun in your eyes.   You are already stressed out and grumpy about having to go to work… is an evil joke!   The devil has something to do with it, I just know it!
Then onto our lovely California heart of the scummy valley roads!   In my area they have so many freeway on and off ramps closed……it is a huge inconvenience and honestly I don’t see any improvements in the roads so far and it has been a year since they started this nightmare.   Then I am so tired of our roads having holes and being all broken.  Where do all our tax dollars go?  What are they doing when they put up their road construction signs and close down our roads?  Are they just trying to piss us off?   So not only do we have to deal with overpopulated roads but they are all broken and maybe even closed…..yeah, I love driving! GGGRRRRRR!!!!!
The gas station……..!!!!!!!!   First of all the prices are outrageous!   I am going to have to sell a kidney if I want to keep putting gas in my car!   And if the prices are going to be so high, is it too much to ask that if I want to wash my windows that there be a squeegee available?!  An added treat would to have a squeegee, water, and paper towels all available at the same time.   Then today not only could I not wash the windows but the receipt did not come out all the way, tore and the bottom half stuck in the machine!   Really!    $48 dollars to fill my car and I can’t even get a receipt!   
What is up with people’s headlights?  I have noticed at night that if someone is driving behind me that it seems that they have their high beams on……they seriously blind me, and if it is some big monster truck or SUV you might as well forget about it.  So if I don’t have the sun in my eyes in the morning I have headlights blinding me at night!   I ask you, does this seem fair?
I’m sorry if I offend anyone but I absolutely HATE people who park their cars or monster trucks in parking spaces backwards!   Especially when in small public parking lots!   Really?!   Are you more special than the rest of us!   I hate you!
What is wrong with those people who go down an aisle in the parking lot the wrong way and they act like it’s your fault?  
I hate those people who are just bullies on the road and act as if they are the only people who need to get someplace.

Okay I think I have covered my road rage issues for the moment……….

Friday, March 9, 2012


I am sick and tired of the rudeness of people at REDBOX kiosks who think the world revolves around them! Order your friggin movie online like I do. I don't have a fancy smart phone or an IPAD, I just have a computer. Most people either have a computer or have access to one. I don't want to hear a 15 minute argument about what movies you want to see or don't want to those issues out on our own time! I don't want to hear you on the phone with someone describing the movies to them! I don't want to watch you go through and read all the movies before deciding! And I don’t want to hear an argument between you and your kids regarding how many movies they can rent or be allowed to see!  Do that shit at home on your own time!  And speaking of kids….it is not okay for them to stand there and press all the buttons, watch your damn kids!  And must the whole family come to the damn kiosk……seriously?!......the whole damn family!
And guess what!   The movie you want might not be at that particular kiosk…..oh the horror!


I find it unnecessary and extremely rude that some people think it is okay to express their opinion anytime they want.  There is a time and place for everything and that goes for your opinion.  
Facebook for example…..if you don’t like something or find it offensive, just ignore it or delete it, it is not necessary to express your negativity (and this is coming from the Queen of Negativity!) 

There are many things that drive me crazy that people discuss and post especially on Facebook and I just roll my eyes and mutter to myself and move on (and this is coming from someone who has issues with moving on!)
And I’m just sick of making excuses for people….”oh, they are just that way, ha ha ha”… dammit, it is not okay!   I always think before I speak or act, I put a lot of thought into something I say or do as to not offend anyone.   I expect the same consideration.   It is just downright rude!   It is not okay to be rude!

I’m already not popular and have nothing more to lose, I have a defriend button and I know how to use it!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I'm going to bitchslap the next person who says to me, "You should just be grateful” I hate the word "grateful". My definition of "grateful" these days is being put in miserable situations because your life depends on it while being treated really badly in the process...."but you should just be grateful” I deserve better than “grateful!”

Monday, February 20, 2012


For starters, you should know that I am known by my friends as the Celebrity Grim Reaper.  I start obsessing and goggling.   Whitney Houston is no exception.

I have gone through all ranges of emotions with this one. When I first heard she died I was shocked, which later led to anger, then jealousy, then sadness, and  then maybe anger again.  One thing remained the same, I was obsessed with everything Whitney.

I was sad she died, but let’s be honest, we all saw it coming years ago.  But it is a tragedy.

I will say that I am angry.  I am angry because she had everything and she threw it all away.   I cannot judge her, I have not walked in her shoes, but in my current state of struggling and suffering I cannot help but feel anger.

She had everything.  She had good looks, she had talent, she had her faith, and she had a large support group of people who loved her and had her back no matter what.    According to the interviews I watched she seemed like she was in denial and extremely stubborn.  She seemed to me to be very stoic when it came to big and emotional things.  I think you need to have a good cry and break something every once in awhile….not that I’m an expert, trust me, I’m a mess!

Her faith was very admirable.   I am envious of that.  I wish I had such faith.  But it also goes to show that not all the faith in the world could save her… wonder we all have doubts.   A religion discussion is for another day…….

I think the circumstances in her life, the lifestyle, the pressure, and most of all that rotten ex-husband of hers led to her drug addictions.   But she was a grown up person and no one forced those drugs down her throat or told her to smoke those cigarettes.  So she had choices and she made the wrong ones and paid the ultimate price.   Again, I did not walk in her shoes, and I have no right to judge.

And I do understand the hold that addictions have on you.   I come from a long line of alcoholics, so trust me, I know.   So you could say it is her fault, but not her fault.   Again, we did not walk in her shoes.

I watched her funeral on Saturday …..was glued to the TV for hours and have to say, was balling my eyes out.  It was beautiful.  I felt like I spent the afternoon in church.   What struck me the most was all the people who loved her and had her back no matter what.   They loved her unconditionally.   I wish I had people that had my back.  I only have one (and you know who you are), and that is more than most, but I was having a pity party for myself on Saturday afternoon.  I felt so depressed.   She had achieved so much her short time here on earth and was so loved.  Yes, she had pain and addictions, but she had a lot of love and joy.   I don’t think I have ever really had joy and my life is a train wreck!

It makes me mad that people call her names and say bad things about her because she did drugs.  She is only human and none of us are without our flaws and weaknesses.  And she was a talent in her day and an inspiration to a lot of people, and that can never be taken away from her.  Me I’m all over the place with my feelings, but the bottom line for me is I hope she really is up there with the angels singing and with her friend, Michael Jackson, who if there is such a thing as a heavenly gate, was up there waiting for her when she arrived.  Whitney deserves some everlasting peace.

Sunday, February 5, 2012


Had a “BAD” week and my weekend was even worse….was feeling very depressed and hopeless.  I felt so alone.

Went to The Gentle Barn on Sunday, where I have started to volunteer.  This is my 3rd Sunday as a volunteer.  The first time I was there I was keeper of the door to the cow area.  The second time, I was in charge of one section of the horses.  Both times it was interaction with people and with the animals.   This week, my third week, it was strictly me and the animals (yay!)

When I first got there I told Ellie the founder, that I was sorry about the loss of Devine.  She was  a very beloved goat who was healing in her heart, but her poor health took over, and despite all The Gentle Barn’s efforts, she died on Thursday morning.   I gave Ellie a hug and we both cried.   Ellie chatted with the group and was telling us all about the 6 goats they just rescued this week from a backyard butcher  and then she gave assignments.   She told me she wanted to know if I was okay with sitting with the 6 new goats in quarantine.  I didn’t even hesitate and said, “I would love to. I would be honored to do that.”

So it’s up to quarantine I went.  I could have a book, water, and food , but I couldn’t leave the area the entire time I was there (5 hours) to even pee because I was in Quarantine, and when I left at the end of the day I had to leave, I couldn’t mingle with the other animals.   For a few seconds, complete panic set in.  It hit me that these sweet babies were in isolation and I could catch something from them or bring it home.  After sitting with those beautiful souls for a few minutes, my panic went away.   This is what I want to do, I want to work with animals.   I want to get my hands dirty……this was getting my hands dirty.  This was seeing what I was made of. 

All the goats were severely neglected, some more traumatized than others.  Only one girl had human interaction and kindness, so she is the most friendly of the bunch.  She was all over me.  The other  5 were different degrees of scared.  I was told that 2 of them are severely submissive if a human gets close to them, thinking that they are next to die and just make it quick.  These sweet babies all witnessed goats being slaughtered right in front of their eyes.   I cannot imagine how horrible that must be.  It is unimaginable!  Absolutely horrible!  They have a lot of healing, both physically and mentally to do.

Although it might seem boring just sitting there it is a very important part of their healing.  It was okay for me to pet them or touch them if they came to me, but they had to come to me.   Only the one girl was willing to do this.  I could talk to them, sing to them, read to them, anything else of that nature as long as I didn’t touch them or try to chase them.  This is important because they need to learn that humans can be present and are not going to harm them and are not going to want anything from them, that it is okay to approach them and get some love.   5 of the goats have had no human contact or interaction.

None of the goats have names yet.   So the friendly girl was all over me, giving me kisses, letting me pet her, trying to eat my book, and just letting me talk to her.   The other goats did not get close, but they looked me right in the eye and I talked to them each individually without approaching them or touching them.  They felt comfortable enough around me to get up and eat and move around.  

I had a great time just watching them.  Their personalities are starting to come out.  I talked with Ellie afterwards and she asked me how it went.  She told me that she heard I did a great job and wanted to know if I wanted to do this task for the next few Sundays as this is a crucial time for healing for the goats.  She even asked me if I could come other days since I was so good with them, I am going to try to come on some Saturdays too.  She told me that I had an energy about me….it was such a lovely thing to say.  As I was talking to her about the goats, she asked me, “Where did you come from?  You are amazing with the animals, you are just good with them.” 

I have to say this is the first day in awhile that I felt like I mattered.  For a few hours today I forgot about all my problems and was actually happy.   That is huge for me, I am not a happy person.

So not only am I helping heal the goats, but they are playing a part in healing me.

It was a good afternoon.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Crappy crappy day!   Had to take my guinea pigs to the vet today and while driving on the freeway broke into tears, can’t take this drive anymore to the vet without thinking about when I had to put my ferret, Yogi Bear, to sleep…..hits me like a ton of bricks every time!   I will never recover from losing him, it still hurts SO bad!  He was my baby and I went through it all alone.  His death was one of many things that ended for me in that time period, (life as I knew it) the loss of my apartment, the loss of my partner, having to move back in with my mother (who is crazy!), and the list goes on and on.

Then we got a bad report from the vet.   My one guinea pig needed antibiotics and eye drops, but my other one has to have a cyst removed and they do not know what they are dealing with.  They took fluid out of it, but it is undetermined what it is.  So I need to schedule her for a $600 surgery within the next 30 days!   Today’s visit cost me $152!  FML!

Went to the pet store to get litter for my girls after work and visited the dogs up for adoption through this rescue called MuttShack through the Petco in Burbank.    They were all so lovely, but so scared and so thin.  They all need homes and I so wish I could help one (of course, I want to help them all).  My heart breaks thinking of all the animals who are scared and abused out there.  

Then I finally get on FB after a long and stressful day and find out that one of the goats that were recently rescued at The Gentle Barn (where I visit and volunteer) died today after every attempt being done to save her.   Okay, I’m seriously crying now!

Life is so cruel and sad.   Wish I could just delete this day.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Why does traffic slow and almost come to a stop on the freeway when the accident is on the other side of the divider going in the other direction?   It is human nature to be curious and want to know what happened, but seriously?????!!!! Thank God we are not the poor unfortunate people involved in the accident, but do we need to create one of our own?  Is it necessary to cause more hostility when driving on the road?   Is it not enough that the freeways are overcrowded and most people drive like morons?!  And since I’m on a roll about drivers, when are people going to learn to stay in their own lane?   I can’t tell you how many times I have been bumped out of my lane because of this!  Then there are still people chatting away with their cell phones to their ears……people, this is illegal and not to mention dangerous!   I am not a perfect driver, but I try to be courteous and follow the rules of the road and I only ask that others do the same.